The Unexpected Life

Hi there!  It's me.....  You know.........me.  It's been a while but, come on. 

Awkward pause.

I wanted you to know that I haven't forgotten about this blog.  Far from it actually.  I just need to prioritize. 

In the last year or so, something has shifted within me. It is both confusing and wonderful. I cannot put my finger on exactly what is going on, but it seems to be happening in just the right way.

I never dreamed I’d star in my own dramatic production, on or off the stage, but sometimes you get things you didn’t expect.  The unexpected life.

The drama! The plot twists I never anticipated. But through it all, I’ve tried to never allow myself to stop seeking the fairy tale ending, or happily ever after, I believe it’s possible to write with any story.

I’m simply doing my best in my role as Sara, star of my own personal dramatic production; and although The Academy doesn’t formally recognize situations like mine and there isn’t an Oscar for living my life, the events are quite infamous in their own right.  It has been something to live it. Hopefully you’ll find it interesting reading.

But more than anything, I hope you catch the moral of my story, because when all is said and done, what means the most to me is what I’ve learned from my role. That’s really what I’d like to share:  the life lessons I’ve tried to learn and hope I can pass on to others as a result of starring in my own unexpected life, because I believe that “out of small and simple things, great things are brought to pass.”

I hope that by choosing to embrace the production I’ve been cast in (although I didn’t choose to be cast in it) and enduring all my role has to offer, that in the end, the small and simple aspects of my performance (aka. my small and simple life, unexpected as it may be) will make a difference in the world.  For the better.

“To be a star, you must shine your own light, follow your own path, and don’t worry about the darkness, for that is when the stars shine brightest!”

Feel free to join me backstage.  As you read my blog, I welcome your thoughts and comments. Enjoy the show!

Life. Reimagined.

This is probably going to jump all over the place. So many things have been going on in my head lately. I'm on a new journey for 2015 and that has started with - No more questions! Because in reality, those questions have only caused havoc only creating distance between me and my relationship with God. There is so much good in where I am at right now. It's time to quite denying it and allowing it to fill my heart and mind. 

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There's no medium as personal as music. A song can transport us back to our childhood, recall a lost love and reignite our passions. We turn to music for everything; or at least I do. It's an art form that engages my emotions like none other.

I saw a movie last year that honestly was the beginning of creating my new mind set about things. It was a limited release and I'll admit that I probably wouldn't have gone to see it had Adam Levine not been in it! But the movie has struck some chords in my mind and heart ever since I walked out of the theater. (Thank you by the way to an amazing friend who isn't afraid to drive to the far north-east side late at night to see this limited movie)

This movie called "Begin Again" reminds me why I love music -- how it touches my soul, how lyrics connect to my life, and how it deepens relationships and gives meaning to existence. The whole soundtrack of the movie reminds me why I love music ... it captures the way you feel at that particular moment. You're in love with the lyrics and the melody, but they're not a relationship; they're just the reflection of it. It's time to on the bike and 'Begin Again".


Those few who know the real me know that to just go ahead and do what other people are doing, to have some semblance of a sane, ordinary, normal and supposedly *happy* existence ... that isn't the real me. I ended up thinking about this more: the deepest human value, one that you can selectively pursue and cultivate to enrich your life, is it really happiness?

Or is happiness a consequence of doing things right?

The way to become unlost, happy, and successful is found all in one thing: purpose.

Through purpose you find passion, you find happiness, you find drive, you find meaning in an apparently meaningless existence. 

But purpose – no matter how temporary – is so important because it makes you feel like what you are doing in your life actually matters. And purpose is the ultimate fix for no longer feeling lost, no longer feeling like you’re in a dream or an observer of your own life.

It makes you feel in control.

All of us, at some point in our lives, ask ourselves “Is this all there is?”

My grand plan, my grand purpose, my work and my time… everything that I’ve worked for culminates in.. this? The life I’m currently living?

Shortly after we proceed to feel like we’ve be really shafted by someone or something, that we’re victims of fate and that we can’t believe we bought into some great cosmic lie.

And then we self-medicate.

Most of us dull the pain of our shitty, seemingly meaningless existence.

For me, my self medication was to retreat. I got tired of the struggle and didn’t see any clear way out and ultimately started giving up on changing the circumstances.

It’s an easy temporary fix, like a pill for the symptoms. But like all pills they only work for so long unless the underlying conditions are addressed.

The problem is that I had never gotten out of the cycle. I was in this sort of “existing” phase where we I merely reacted to everything happening around me. 

So I've started planning 

MY 'prison' escape!

"Happiness, in fact, is a condition that must be prepared for, cultivated, and defended privately by each person. People who learn to control inner experience will be able to determine the quality of their lives, whichi s as close as any of us can come to being happy."   -Flow

Do you know?

If there's one thing I've learned it's that it only takes one person -- 
-- one moment to change your life forever. 
To change your perspective. To color your thinking.
....to force you to re-evaluate everything you think you know.
To make you ask yourself the toughest questions...

Do you know who you are? 
Do you understand what has happened to you? 
Do you want to live this way?

This is a new year. A new beginning. And things will change.
*I actually wrote this entry a day or two after the start of 2015. Because on New Years, a cherished friend helped me to realize so much...things I had numbed myself too. Possibilities that seemed out of reach. And the truth of who I really am deep down inside...

There's always a way. 

When things look like there's no way...there is a way.

You'll survive. To do the impossible, to survive the unsurvivable ... there's a way.

Be inspired.

In the face of the impossible, be inspired.

So today, if you become frightened...instead, become inspired. 

Raw Beauty

At some point, maybe, we realize that the dream we’ve been dreaming..has become a nightmare. 

We then, tell ourselves that the reality is better.

We convince ourselves that it’s better if we don’t dream at all…

The most of us—the determined of us—we hold on to the dream…

Or we find ourselves faced with a fresh dream that we never even considered; and we awake to find ourselves against all odds … feeling hopeful.

And if we are lucky, we realize in the face of everything—in the face of life—the true dream is being able to dream at all. 

Girl Talk: Independent -- Too much?

Too independent? I have been told on many occasions that I am. Most recently I was told that I have independent women's syndrome. That statement actually made me laugh out loud. When did it become a bad thing to have the ability to take care of yourself?

I've underwent a serious transformation over this last year. That was probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. After the divorce, I was heartbroken, depressed, stressed and angry--who doesn't feel that way though after something like that (I let myself get out of control). And who am I to say that he didn't feel the same, too. Regardless of what was considered to be 'normal' feelings, I made up my mind that being a divorced woman..a single mother would not be what defined me; and I started to feel like I had let it. I was tired of seeing that look in others eyes; that 'oh, I'm sorry, how are you? You doing okay' look. Being divorced does not make me handicapped; or a victim for that matter! Quit looking at me as a circumstance which lies in my past. See me for who I am today. Cause I've moved on--Life Goes On! And I swore to myself that I would become a better woman no matter what!    

So here I am Ms. Independent. It took a very long time but in the end I've turned out to be okay. Actually I am better then okay I am great! I am proud of myself, I am confident, and I do a great job of taking care of me (and my kids). I will never make any apologies for that, it took me too long to get where I am.

So yes I am independent I don't need anyone for anything. I don't ever ask anyone for anything unless it's a dire emergency. If I want something I work towards it. I always try to have a plan A, B, C and D just in case. I guess some people might consider my "super" independence a problem. Being dependent on another person requires some level of vulnerability which comes with trust and I am just not there yet. I just know I need to do what's best for me and what makes me happy no matter what. 

I won't ever apologize for who I am and what makes me happy.     

Have you been told your too independent and if so what have you said in reply to that? Have you ever heard of "independent women's syndrome"? 

Forever Young

Here lately I've came back to music and how I listen to what it speaks. It's been while since I've posted about a particular song. When I stumbled across this song, I knew it was the one. “Forever Young” was originally recorded by Bob Dylan, but has been redone by the group formerly known as The Canadian Tenors. It’s a BEAUTIFUL song, and I think speaks a lot to a new chapter in my life. It’s incredible to look back at where I was a year and a half ago — trying to settle in to a new life. I have no doubt though that this year will be, and already is, completely different. Being Forever Young is a mind set. A feeling that propels you to make the most out of life everday. I truly feel like I will be “forever young”…maybe one of those little old ladies at 85 who still wants to go exploring, try new things, travel new places. Right now though at 33, I can say that I’m already excited for all the trips, new adventures, and excitement that my future holds. I can’t wait! My favorite lyrics of this song are these: “May your heart always be joyful, your song always be sung, and may you stay forever young.” I pray the lyrics of this song for my life as I begin this new year…in a refreshing and freeing kind of way...